by Kelley Schaefer-Levi

When my husband and I were in the middle of adoption planning, we knew we wanted to have a celebration of some kind to commemorate the birth of our first child. We also wanted to experience some of the baby preparation process during our wait to become parents, so we registered at the usual baby stores, had our daughter’s car seat installed, attended baby care classes and asked our friends and families for help with having a shower.

There are so many types of adoption and adoption stories out there; some couples are able to plan ahead for the birth of their child, and some couples don’t have time before placement occurs. Some families adopt toddlers and older children where a baby shower may not be necessary. Others may choose to wait to begin planning and celebrating until the day their child comes home. In our case of private, open adoption, our daughter’s birthmother chose us early on in her pregnancy, so we had ample time to prepare.

There are two camps, it seems, when it comes to celebrating, mentally preparing, readying your home and the adopted child’s room beforehand. Some say, don’t do it pending an interruption in placement. And some say, prepare as if you are welcoming a bio kid. We were advised to be cautious and while we did prepare our daughter’s room in advance, we didn’t go too far over the top. We were given a crib that we set up, stocked a changing table, and readied some other basics without emotionally attaching too much. We took the risk and I’m glad we did.

Not your typical shower

By the time shower planning began, we knew we were having a girl and had chosen a name for our daughter with the help of her birthmother, but everything we requested and bought was pretty gender neutral, and that would have been the case if we weren’t adopting. The shower was a family friendly event where guests could stop by to merely wish us well on our path to parenthood. We ate lots of food, had a few drinks, played a game or two and formally said goodbye to our lives as married people with a dog. More than anything our shower was a means to celebrate the pending birth of our child who we had not yet met, and to mark an extremely important diaper change ahead.

There are many ways to create a beautiful shower or homecoming celebration for an adopted child. One way is to create a book for the unborn baby, if the adoption is of an infant and there is time to prepare, have guests write a note to the child with a wish attached. We still have our guest book and our daughter asks us to read it to her from time to time. My husband and I also wrote letters in the book of our hopes and dreams for her before she was born. Again, this was a risk, but I’m glad we went for it.

Those who choose to have a traditional shower before the baby is born for mama only, can do many of the same things you would do at a non-adoptive baby shower, save for measuring bellies. Adoptive mamas, depending on their sensitivity to the subject may not want to focus on the aspects of birth as much as the celebration of life and parenting. However, mamahood, adoptive and not is still challenging for first-timers, and showers and preparation can help ease the transition into the world of babies.

Keep it real

If you choose to celebrate in advance, showers should reflect who you are and the gravity of the situation. There is the possibility that an interruption in adoption planning may occur and because of this, being honest from the get go is ideal. My advice would be to choose carefully who you ask to help you plan. Those involved need to keep the details from becoming too specific and really focus on honoring the monumental event of parenthood and starting a family, and less about the heaviness or difficulty that potentially lies ahead. Finally, a note on gifts for the adopted child. We received so many beautiful gifts for our unborn daughter. Some very useful and practical and others adorable or meaningful. Guests should be informed of the age of the child being placed with the adoptive family on the invitation, so they can take it into consideration when buying a gift. Most importantly, when planning your celebration—have fun! Your baby’s on their way, and you will be sleep deprived and parenting soon.