by Kelley Schaefer-Levi
Open adoption is no longer brand-new. In fact, Oregon Adoption & Family Services has been helping bring birth and adoptive families together for a few decades now, but the experience, on the whole is still pretty mysterious to those who aren’t adopted, nonetheless openly adopted. I had the opportunity to talk to two dynamic young women, Claire and Taylor, both open adoptees. They’re now young adults whose lives seem pretty ordinary by their own measure. They’ve always known they’re adopted, and know their birth mothers. One a recently graduated college student and one currently getting her undergrad degree, both with extremely bright futures ahead of them, shed a little light on what it means to be openly adopted.
Have you always known about your adoption?
CLAIRE: I have! I can’t recall a time that I didn’t know Heather was my birth mother. We started visiting her from day one.
Was there ever a time where open adoption felt confusing to you?
TAYLOR: My mom says I began to question my adoption at the ages of 5-7. I personally do not remember much about that time. It has always been a little confusing that people were confused about my situation (If that makes any sense). I knew and had accepted the knowledge that I, in essence, I belonged in more than one place. I knew who I was; I was simply confused about how others could fail to see what I saw.
What question do you most commonly get asked about open adoption?
CLAIRE: People who are unfamiliar with open adoption often are confused by it. They’ll ask if I like it, assuming that I don’t at first. I explain why it is so important to me and why I fully support it. Then the question of, “Aren’t you mad that your birth mom gave you up?” I hate that question! I always have to explain that she didn’t “give me up.” She was strong enough to give me a life that she knew she was incapable of providing herself. How could I ever resent her for that? I’m beyond grateful.
If you could tell your 7-year-old self something about open adoption that you’ve learned since then, what would you tell her?
TAYLOR: I would tell her that it makes her unique and special and that her birth mother wanted her to have a better life. I would also tell her that she was loved enough to be placed with a family who could devote themselves to her and to her wellbeing. Who were stable economically, who would treasure her and support her.
How would you describe your relationship with your birthparent(s)?
CLAIRE: My relationship with my birth mother, Heather, is warm. We were closer when I was younger because we would see her and my half brother more often than we do now. But it is still very loving and fulfilling.
Do you know both of your birthparents? If not, are you curious about the one you don’t know?
TAYLOR: I have pictures of my birthfather and I know his name, but beyond that I have no personal connection to his family. I know that he was not a great person and that I maybe should not meet him. I am curious though because he is a piece of my past.
What do you appreciate about your adoptive family?
CLAIRE: I appreciate everything about my adoptive family. They are my parents. They raised me in a loving household and helped me become the woman I am today. I appreciate how open they are to talking about and having a relationship with my birth family, especially my birth father’s side that I recently came to know.
How have your parents helped foster your relationship with your birthparent(s)?
TAYLOR: They have encouraged us to have a real relationship, and to spend time with her and to tell her about what I’ve been up to and what’s going on in my life. They used to have her over for weekends and they encourage me to go visit with her.
How does your open adoption change your view of the world?
CLAIRE: Adoption has shown me that family does not just mean blood. The meaning of family is different for everyone. I think that my open adoption has made me appreciate and cherish my close relationships above all else.
TAYLOR: It makes me really open to other cultures and family structures and the ways other people live. I’m open about it because I know that mine is different. I have four sides to my family, not two. It’s a different way of thinking about the world.
Claire Engelhard is 23-years-old. She lives in West Seattle and is a full-time nanny for a baby boy. She’s currently taking prerequisite classes so that she can apply for the master’s in teaching (elementary) at the University
of Washington. She graduated from Eckerd College in 2014 with a BA in Anthropology and Spanish. When she’s not busy working and prepping for grad school, she enjoys playing the cello with her family and in the Seattle Rock Orchestra Social Club, getting exercise, spending quality time with friends and family, traveling, and enjoying the PNW.
Taylor Roghair is 20-years-old and a Junior at University of Puget Sound. She’s studying Medieval European History & Spanish Language & Culture. She’s currently abroad having spent one semester at University of Edinburgh, Scotland and one in Granada, Spain. When she’s not busy with school she likes to write, run, make jewelry, play soccer, and the Tuba!
