The DOs and DON’Ts on Bullying

Programs to stop bullying proliferate, yet most fail.  Why? Parents hear of bullying but lack effective means of responding to it.  What can be done?

• Do watch the body language of your children carefully. Bullied children often exhibit somatic complaints such as headaches and stomachaches. Slumped posture and a dejected countenance may well appear when asking your child about their day at school.
• Don’t assume that bully’s lack self esteem. Bullies are typically popular, have above average intelligence, and do not victimize others because they feel bad about themselves.
• Do find out if your child’s school has an anti-bullying policy. Effective policies must involve the teachers, administrators, and all school staff. It has to be effectively communicated to the parents and should be widely known.
• Don’t assume that stopping an instance of bullying behavior solves the problem. Bullying has roots in family, culture, and institutions.
• Do teach your children to respect themselves and others. Bullying behavior arises from a sense of injustice. Respect is central to developing just relationships.
• Don’t accept the teacher’s perception about the prevalence of bullying in the school. 15% of students believe teachers see bullying; 71% of the teachers believe they see it as it happens.
• Do monitor online interactions. Cyber bullying is on the rise. It is anonymous, often crowd sourced, and undermines the tradition of home as a refuge from playground bullies.
• Don’t punish. It increases bully behavior.
• Do attend carefully if your child has been bullied. It is not enough to confront the bully or to elicit an apology. Longitudinal studies for children above the age of eight confirm that lifelong emotional challenges are a real possibility.
• Don’t tell your children to depend upon bystanders to help. Bystanders are caught in conflicting emotions and needs. Rather, ask bystanders to self-reflect on their experience and explore options if it should happen again.
• Do talk with your children about bullying. Point it out in the media. If you show consistent interest, they will feel comfortable sharing with you.