by Barb Buckner Suarez
Photographs by LaDelle Photography
Chris Routly considers himself to be a “Full-Time Dad.” He’s also a local Portland children’s book author and illustrator, blogger, ”accidental activist” and Director of Marketing & Communications for the National At-Home Dad Network.
Chris initially fell into his role for practical reasons. Six years ago in the middle of her maternity leave, he and his wife were both laid off. They’d already discussed how Chris would get “more personal fulfillment in playing with toys with small children.” But the reality was that his wife’s job held the best potential for relocation, cash flow and insurance. Having Chris stay at home as primary caregiver made the most sense for their family…but not everyone felt the same way.
Going to the park with his son in his native Pennsylvania meant he often got the cold shoulder or even a few nasty comments, which only encouraged him to stay home. When he did venture out, his attempts to strike up conversations with Stay At Home Moms (SAHMs) weren’t very successful. Once they discovered he was a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD) the conversation would become awkward or end abruptly. Chris had to work extra hard to find moms who were really supportive of him, but it was worth it. “If you have the support of your local moms, you have a much easier job as a SAHD,” Chris shares.
The number of SAHDs has nearly doubled since 1989 to two million in 2012, and depending on what counts as full-time caregiving, that number could be much higher. The recession played a part in that increase, but long-term growth is attributed to the rising number of dads who are home primarily to care for their family. This growth is representative of the increasing number of SAHDs in Oregon. But challenges remain for men making the choice to be the full-time caregiver for their children.
Chris shares, “Lots of guys don’t claim this as what they do, they talk about what else they do, or what they used to do.” For too many dads, they’re fighting the stigma of not being the breadwinner. Being a man means having a “real” job making money. For Chris, once he claimed his role and realized that caring for his son was his job, things changed. He felt more confident and wanted to get really good at it.
According to Chris, the biggest supporting factor for SAHDs “is having a partner that values what they do.” SAHDs really need to feel that caring for their children is a valuable and important contribution.
Chris thinks the biggest struggle for SAHDs remains the issue of isolation. For moms there’s an infrastructure of support already built in, but for men, not so much. “With dads, there’s this lack of support and messages that we get our whole lives that if you’re reaching out for support, then you’re not a real man.” Men who choose to be the primary caregiver will really have to push themselves to find community with other SAHDs who can provide understanding and support because of the unique challenges they all face.
Things have become easier since Chris and his family moved to Portland 3 years ago. “I see SAHDs all over the place now. People here are into it. They think it’s cool.” If you are considering being a SAHD, Chris believes, “This role is…being more and more valued every day.”
Chris runs a local dads only group at pdxdadsgroup.com on MeetUp in the Portland Metro area and he’d love to connect with you. Outside of Portland connect via the National At Home Dads Network at athomedad.org. Find a group there, or even start one of your own. Knowing that you’re not the only SAHD out there is super important. Chris adds, “The best way to change the stigmas that are associated with SAHDs is to be out there in the community and to be seen.”
You can read more about SAHDs and what else Chris Routly is up to at his blog: daddydoctrines.com.
Barb Buckner Suárez teaches Childbirth Education for Legacy Good Samaritan and OHSU. She has a passion for including dads and partners in the birth process, and is currently writing a new book for expectant parents. Hear her full interview with Chris on her blog: birthhappens.com.
