It wasn’t until after years of trying to conceive a child that we began to read about adoption options and learn about open adoption. It wasn’t until later that we begin to understand the gifts of open adoption. I remember thinking it seemed a little different that instead of being matched with a baby by an adoption agency, we would be chosen by expecting parents, who found themselves for one reason or another unable to raise and parent their child. Cognitively, we understood why this would be good, but inside we also felt vulnerable, especially after the distress of infertility.
At the time we had no idea how life changing this would be for us. Silly really, because becoming a parent in general is life changing. For us becoming parents by way of open adoption became an invitation to grow in new, unforeseen ways. The adoption process felt a little like waiting to be chosen by the team captain during a middle school gym class, complete with internal turbulence.
But the moment our daughter Carly Jo was born, everything shifted and we, and our new acquaintances called “birth family” shined out to meet each other.
In the beginning we sort of meandered through each decision breathing and growing together as a family, this birth family and us, in an every day kind of way, almost without noticing the magic that was happening, almost.
Then weeks and months passed to today, nine years later, when I can tell you that we are truly family, in every sense of the word.
As in, airport runs, babysitting, adopted dogs from the same litter. We share holidays, help each other move and vacation together, along with our parents. Carly is always bragging about how lucky she is to have so many grandparents. Yes, this is what you might call a radically open adoption, or you could just call it family.
I know this is a snap shot story, skipping over those moments of vulnerability that we each experienced as the days and years passed. And so it comes across pretty storybook, but honestly, it is. I also know from the coaching and mentoring I’ve done over the last 8 years, that there are many stories where this is not the case.
But what seems to remain true is that children raised with openness in their family, regardless of how open it is, have the opportunity to know and own their whole story first hand. This is very empowering and to me seems like a basic human right. These kids have the opportunity to love, be loved, and to know they are loved, by everyone related to them. Who wouldn’t benefit from even more people loving and supporting them?
By having Carly Jo and her best interests in common, both her birth family and we, her parents, are always inspired to show up as our best selves. Each and every time we get through our fears and stick our necks out in order to be open and loving, we grow our capacity to love.
So, you might ask yourself, what does it look like to expand your capacity to love? I believe it is your heart at it’s most open, accompanied by being present in the moment and being non-judgmental. Together these equal freedom. In open adoption it means that with our most open hearts we are able to talk freely with our children about their origins and adoption, to love our child’s birth family with compassion and without judgment, to let our children freely love and be loved by their birth family, and to talk freely with others in our life and community about our adoption. If youthink about it, there are even ways to do much of this in an international or closed adoption.
These kiddos win to be surrounded by so much love and openness; it allows them to freely love their whole complete selves. So,
love, love, love! What is this 1967 all over again? Truth is, we need all this love to get past the loss and shame historically associated with adoption.
With infertility there is, of course, also loss. The loss of the ability to give birth to a child of your family of origin is an experience that makes couples feel very hurt, even broken. It is however, also this exact experience that connects us to our child’s birth parents. You see, both the family that cannot grow a child to parent and the family that grows a child they cannot parent, have experienced loss. This is our connection. It is through this common theme of loss, that we complete each other. It is with these thoughts and the ideas of openness and non-judgment that we are able to meet each other where we are.
And now a further word about shame. Shame is something we all have the opportunity to feel, especially in the world of infertility and adoption. So yet another shared experience. Shame is the worst. We shame ourselves when we feel we have done something that makes us unlovable. So, we punish ourselves, for simply wanting to be loved?
In open adoption, because everyone has been allowed to love everyone, we are all whole and free. When we align with the abundance of love, instead of loss, blame, guilt and disconnect, we blossom, turning our shame and grief into pride and joy. Another gift of open adoption and perhaps the greatest gift of all, because as we overcome our fears and embrace openness, we are teaching ourselves and the world a new way to be.
by
MICHELE GRECO, CPC
Photographs courtesy of
MICHELE GRECO, CPC
